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28 september MumblingsI have a hankering for dried ants...no I'm not pregnant! Jesus is not coming back that way again...I just want something crispy and tastes like chicken, cuz anything we don't know about has to taste like chicken, it's just the way it is. Maggie has not been herself lately. She typically never types in third person despite what fun it can create and can usually recall entertaining tidbits from her past. Such is not the case. Perhaps another period of bloggers block, or perhaps something more? This funk could possibly be created by some highly disturbing images that have invaded my cranial space...Gap's commercial for the skinny black pant. Audry Hepburn looking like a stork trying to regurgitate in what I remember being called something like stretch pants. Sure the look is in...for gay punk boys! Unless you own a pair of size 1 toothpick legs, those tapered monstrosities will turn you into a waffle cone...two scoops! And the repetative "if a girl wants to daaance *that's a British accent by the way* just drives me nuts. I can usually handle American words (except oral) but some British words just set me off! I cannot stand the begining of Narnia cuz of how "Mr. Tumnus the Fawn" is said and "Turkish delight". I love accents and would very readily fall for a man with one because I strongly believe that no matter how ugly a man may seem, if he speaks with an accent, he's instantly hot! Am I digressing? I suppose I couldn't considering I started the topic with ants and Jesus so there really is no point. I'm in a funk and I don't know why and there's nothing you can do about it so na na na na boo boo. 06 september Sock Monkeys Fling Poo Too!Aarrgg...raarr...phffft...uuggghhh! I'm sorry I would have capitalized them but I don't have that kind of ambition. Chrissy gave me a card yesterday and what was on the inside I think is a new life motto of mine and I'm going to pencil it into my Bible:
"Ever get that 'crampy, skinny chick stay away, severely chocolate-deficient, on the verge of going postal, if another person calls me ma'am I'm going to mace them and beat them unconscious with my $300 purse' kind of feeling?"
Hello Wednesday! It's just one of those days where you are just wanting to make Oscar the Grouch cry. I think I really need to stop watching Little House on the Prairie in the mornings when I put my makeup on...talk about a downer show! Nothing is happy! They shoot little kids, burn down barns with animals inside, destroy families, and starve whole towns...exept for the rich evil people who survive and thirve. What angers me even more is that no matter how dumb it is, I sometimes will still get choked up.
*Inserting major rant which if you heard me speak directly would have absolutely no breaks in it, totally in one breath*
I'm just tired of all this crap, old men, work piling up, losing my mind, trying to remember who I need to get ahold of and the time to do it, can't lose weight despite working out and eating rabbit food, can't find a letter that I really need, money's tight, I have the backbone of a jellyfish but I'm too afraid to do anything about it, dishes need to be done, I'm too tired in the mornings, I miss junk food, old men want to see my boobies, oh my goodness when did I last do laundry, I hate the realization when I figure out how naive I've been, can't I please be a size 4 now, holy crap I still have paperwork to do, the sun is going down earlier and seasonal depression is setting in, my car is beyond crap, don't think I can afford to go see my nephew when he's born, I haven't gone shopping in months, *sigh* SOMEBODY SHOOT ME!!!
*Ending major rant which ok, there's no way I could have done it in one breath*
Got Stress?
ARRGG NOTE: Thursday is turning out to be worse! I could lose my job!!!  25 mei Natural InsanityI was talking with my sis, Katie, who (if you don't recall) is pregnant. So whenever we talk it's typically about babies or pregnancy. She is craving the taste of beer so she's been buying O'Doul's...
 Her belly is rounding out but only looks like a beer gut not a baby bubble. For some reason we got started on natural childbirth...how completely absolutely insane! That was our conclusion. Our mom did it but she also only spent 1 hour and a half TOTAL of labor and childbirth (My sis was 1 hour and I was a half hour). Katie and I don't like pain, so when given the option to experience the most painful event of our life or have something that won't hurt the baby but keep us from feeling it...I'll take door number 2 thank you very much!I put it this way:
Doctor: "Ok, we are going to saw your arm off very slowly. It is going to be very agonizing but we do have drugs that will only have you feel pressure but no pain."
Patient: 'Well doctor, this is a once in a lifetime experience and I really think I should go through it like the ones who came before me that didn't have pain medicine."
Scenario plays out and guess who's screaming "GIVE ME DRUGS!" halfway through!
To me it is just beyond insanity to agree to want to experience childbirth naturally. Think about the size of what you are push out and where it's supposed to come from
 ...that isn't natural! I do know a family and her first child was like 10 lbs and they had to break his shoulder to get him out! I would have been sipping an epidural cocktail and asked what was taking so long?25 maart Everyone's Writing LettersBoth Single Jenn and Sierra are sick with colds and have written letters to Hell and God. I don't know about them, but I only get a cold about once a year and what I have happens 12 times a year...at least! If I had to write a letter it would be to Eve for giving us this curse. NOTICE: Taking donations for sex change operation!
~Maggie *Queen of the Cell*
Notice: The computer that has my MSN Messenger is dead...like blood and guts everywhere dead! If you wanted to chat...bummer, email me and I will get back to you withing this century (my other computer that doesn't have messenger is majorly slow and is out to get me). Hopefully I will be back soon! Due to this problem, you will have to make up your own archive pick of the week. What's your favorite archive blog? 16 maart This is What Happens When I Think...Why do overweight people order a double bacon cheese burger with onion rings and a diet coke? I don't think the pop is the issue!!!
Chocolate comes from a bean so why can't it be healthy?
Of all of our wonderful advancements in science, health, and technology; why haven't they come up with a suitable sugar substitute?
I hate it when old men hit on us young girls.
I hate it when you have to pee so bad and then when you get to the toilet it barely comes out and you are still feeling like you majorly have to go.
I can't stand people who think that people who don't go to college will amount to nothing.
Why haven't men learned to ogle discretely? Women ogle all the time too but we are capable of doing it without grunting, drooling, and without letting anyone know we are doing it.
I hate girls that make men 'their special projects'. It's a real person, not a paper doll set! You love someone for who they are, not who you can make them!
I'm so glad we don't have the structure of a pelican. It would be like a second stomach under our mouth and we'd all be twice as heavy as we are now.
I am so frustrated at women's clothing. It no longer has a concept of any form of body. I think the mannequins they use now are just wooden planks!
Why do men complain so much about all of our clothes, makeup, and grooming. If we didn't do it, we'd all look like Sally Sasquatch! Shut up, it's for you, cuz believe me I would give anything to have the extra time to sleep in!
It's annoying how girls won't tell other girls if they look bad or have something in their teeth just because it makes them look better. This drives me nuts...but I still do it.
Why are spiders so scary? I mean, they are so much smaller compared to a human...but they do have those 8 wildly squirmy hairy legs and 8 beady little eyes and fangs...Ok, never mind. I answered that one.
Why, when my boss sneezes, do I jump completely out of my skin and take like 5 minutes to calm my heart back down. I've heard him sneeze for 5 years and it still scares the crap out of me every time (I should mention that it is usually very loud and shrill)
Is it weird to not want to go out of the house if your shoes don't match?
How did they test the electric chair?
I hate it when the seams of my socks get off; it's just so uncomfortable!
I hate not knowing what to blog about! 23 februari Tips on Dealing With a Woman...with PMS!You know what's worse than PMS? Having a guy tell you that you are PMSing!
 This blog is to someone who will remain nameless but their first initial is Jon. Now this nameless guy *cough* Jon *cough* has never told me I was PMSing (he's obviously not around me that much!) but he's talked down PMS to his sis, saying that it's no big deal.He 'justified' his thoughts by saying that guys get headaches and stomach cramps too and they have hormones.Yeah guys get those, but didn't you learn like 15 years ago that babies don't come from mommy's tummy?
Until you sprout a uterus and have it go haywire on you for a week, then you can attempt to compare it to a stomach! Most men don't realize that cramps are a smaller scale version of labor which we all know that God made women handle it cuz a man would commit suicide at the first birth pain and no babies would be born!And yes guys do have hormones...to make the happy place happy, not turn you into something that cries hysterically
 for 20 minutes on a kitchen floor at 12:30 at night because the soap lid in the dishwasher won't close...um, that was totally made up...I've never done that... This is my mondo rant today.I am a girl, I know I get moody and PMSey; but no GUY is every going to tell me that and be able to walk away with his head still attached to his neck! So my word of advice to any guy, SHUT UP
 , just put up with it for the week and be nice to us...chocolate works wonders! This may sound harsh but in all honesty, you have no idea what you are talking about. I don't try to down talk getting kicked in the crotch so don't put your life in mortal danger trying to talk about how I feel!  What's the difference between a terrorist and a woman with PMS?
You can negotiate with a terrorist!
 My archive pick this week:13 februari WhY d0 P30PL3 Ty3p3 L1k3 Th15???I was blog surfing on the updated spaces list...always looking for new people...
 and I ran into one space where the spelling was terrible! It's not like the girl didn't know how to spell, it's the kind that does it on purpose! This aggravates me to no end! I looked at her commments and sure enough, she had others like her! Here is an exerpt from one of the comments: h3y thnx 4 da com3nt n nO probl3m i hop3 u 2 stay 2g3tha 4 a long tim3 ...What??? Computer jargon is not a language people! Do they even teach English in schools anymore? Whoever this kid's English teacher is, they should be taken out and flogged! My question is, doesn't it take a lot longer to have to type in numbers? And then there are the ones that not only use numbers but they randomly capitalize some letters too! How is this efficient? That would take me like 3 hours to write a blog! *Add number here, capitalize that just because I'm a rebel, who has my own big pimpin fo shizzle lingo!* Oh my gosh...I've just become an old woman making fun of teens...this can't be happening, I'm young; I can speak the hip lingo still...dang this turning 22! My archive pick this week:02 februari Birthday BluesI'm supposed to turn 22 in about a month and a half...no thanks! I know, I know; I'm young and have lots of years to go. But this is 22! Turning 20 is like just graduated from teenage years, so still young and vivacious!
 Turning 21 is like the epidomy of youth; party time! Even though I didn't do anything remotely 21 this whole year (that's just what happens when you don't drink), 22 is approaching which is like:"Now departing the age everyone wants to be, next stop: The Actual Twenties! Beyond this: Thirties! Looks like you will be traveling alone to your destination so you can share your trip with nagging family members but don't worry, all of your other married, having children, career driven, successful past friends can stop by and visit! Would you like salt in that wound?"
I'm debating breaking into Mom's Prozac!
My friend Sarah helped me come up with a very reasonable solution: Start going backwards! I don't need to stay on 21 so that when I turn 40 I will be celebrating the 19th anniversary of my 21st birthday; I can just go backwards! So next month I will turn 20, it was a fun year. I'm not really saddened by my life status; I don't want to get married anytime soon, or have children, or go to school, or even have a career (long story that would cause feminists around the globe to harpoon me). I like being me for the most part; I just don't like being nagged or set up because they are positive that at any moment my ovaries might dry up and heaven forbid I can only have dogs! That would be awful to have animals instead of a sweet innocent baby that requires a college fund, 3 a.m. feedings, and my sanity! I'm really afraid that the next person to get on my case about my status will suddenly find themselves limbless and floating down a freezing river. Dang, I'm out of chocolate!My archive pick this week is:05 december MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!I was recently informed by Mark's mom that Home Depot is selling 'Holiday' trees, not Christmas trees...WHAT OTHER HOLIDAY IN DECEMBER USES TREES!?!  Christmas is the only one; so go ahead and call them Christmas trees! People are going way too overboard on this whole 'politically correct so as not to hurt any feelings'. I understand some people don't like Christ so for some reason they don't want to say Christmas, but if I don't like Christopher Columbus I'm not going to ask for the world to call it Explorer Day...that's so dumb! Pretty soon we won't have St. Patrick's Day because saints are Catholic things and not everyone is a Catholic...oh and Valentine was a saint too so we should change these to 'Kiss me I'm Irish Day' and 'Make Someone Barf from Love Day". You can't change where the origins of Christmas came from so I don't think you should be allowed to change the name! So Merry Christmas!02 december Who are these sick people?I check my statistics and try to keep up with everyone that comes to my space. For about a month or so now, I've been getting a lot of people finding me through search engines; mostly Google. All that shows up in my statistics page is the address of the search engine and when I click on it, it shows me exactly what the person typed in to search for. Mostly it's padded cell, cell confessions, or even padded cell confessions. I have gotten a couple though that kinda disturb me. For about 2 weeks I kept getting Google hits from someone looking up 'skinny dipping pics'. I do have a skinny dipping story but I kinda felt like I needed to wash my space out with soap in case the pervert left any filth behind! Ewwie, I didn't even think there would be skinny dipping pictures out there let alone someone desperate to find them! Although I am never really shocked anymore at what you find on the World Wide Web. I also got another interesting hit this morning from a Yahoo engine for "lesbian mom sample clips". Gag me with a spork and stuff me with olives! They must have caught my site because in The Marshmallow Story I have the word lesbian mentioned. Does anybody else get strange search engine hits from probably dirty old men or early puberty boys...oh great, now that I've said the phrase 'early puberty boys' I'll probably get a whole new type of perverts hitting up my site! To all the chimo's out there (that's short for child molester for those who no longer know high school lingo) You're on notice! 19 oktober Beyond Brainless and Shouldn't Breed!I am a locksmith; I've been one for 4 1/2 years. When a customer comes walking through my door the first thing that is directly in front of them is a counter, me behind it (smiling of course  ), and 14 rows of keys hanging on hooks. This is your typical locksmith shop. The #1 question I get asked is, "Do you make keys?". Duh we make keys! We're locksmiths! What do you think all these keys behind me are...contemporary art?! I am soooo baffled by this and to top it off, not only does this happen to me but it is the #1 question of ANY locksmith! It is pretty much the locksmith's #1 pet peeve too. My word of advice for you is: NEVER ASK A LOCKSMITH IF THEY MAKE KEYS!!! Or else I will put you into the category of beyond brainless and shouldn't breed!04 oktober Enter ConfessionalI don't know what it is about me, but for some strange reason people seem to feel convicted to tell me everything. People I don't even know! My UPS man (who is quite the manly man) just left after telling me that he went to the Celine Dion concert in Las Vegas. That in itself is slightly odd, but when he admitted that he liked it, my mind thought 'ok, you would never tell your beer buddies this, so why are you telling me?' It also gave me the image of him, Mr. ruff and gruff, wearing her face on his tee shirt, crying out the words to 'My Heart Will Go On' as he held on to dear memories of Titanic. Customers are constantly telling me their life stories. I hear about their medical problems, sex life's, lack of love life's, and pet problems. One man in his 60's (who happened to hit on me just a month earlier), was asking me about what to get his girlfriend for a present. "I don't know, maybe that hip replacement she's been eyeing!" My waxing lady found it highly appropriate in the middle of her busy salon to tell me that she always wanted an incredibly feminine area of hers pierced. She also told me her boyfriend's daily routine, including when he took his daily doody! I had a young teenage couple in my shop that I had never met before, talking right in front of me about how they couldn't have sex because she just started her period! Eww! Things I don't want to hear! I really don't mind my friends telling me everything, but random strangers are a little too open for me. Maybe I've got the face of a female priest and they feel they have to say something personal, but I'm a short, young, non-Catholic priest, type girl. Oh well, as long as nobody calls me Father Maggie, I guess I'll survive. |
the knee bone's connected to the..." never have I heard of the verse, '
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