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08 settembre Are You Drunk?My sister called me yesterday because she had to tell me what had just happened. { For those of you who are new, my sister Katie and her husband Jared live in San Diego. My grandpa lives 2 doors away from my parents in Washington and is always screwing things up like our names or words, etc. Also for the assistance in reading the story, my dad's name is Rob. } Katie got a call on her cell phone from grandpa's cell phone.
Katie: "Hello"
Grandpa: "Let me speak to your husband"
K: *hands the phone to Jared and tells him grandpa wants to talk to him*
Jared: *puzzled* Hello?
G: I flipped my lawn mower and need you to come over
J: *thinking he's teasing* Um, ok but it's gonna take me a while
G: Well just be here in about 15 minutes or so, that's fine
J: It's gonna take me longer than 15 minutes and I'm on my way to class
G: Class? What are you taking classes for?
J: I've been taking classes for a while
G: This doesn't sound like Rob. Are you drunk? Here, I'm gonna hand the phone to Nell, I can't understand you. (Nell = grandma)
Nell: Hello?
J:Hi, it's Jared.
N: Jared? What are you doing at Rob's house?
J: I'm not.
N: Is Rob with you then?
J: No, I'm in San Diego on my way to class.
N: *yelling at grandpa* Dear! you called Katie, it's Jared. It's not Rob...
Grandpa is still probably confused but that is just how my family works...I hope my gene pool has been chlorinated.
*Note: Thanks to all for your good wishes and hugs. My stress level has downed a bit. I won't lose my job but we are still in a pickle. Hopefully the weekend will provide much needed sleep and relaxation. I thank you very much; have a great weekend! 06 luglio Granny the Axe MurdererMy Granny is an avid quilter. She's even had one of her quilt's pictures
 in a magazine. There is a special fabric cutter that looks like a pizza cutter. It's very sharp! Granny managed to drop it on the top of her foot one day. She noticed some bleeding so she went to the bathroom to get a band aid. When she got to the bathroom she noticed that it was really bleeding so she went to go get a hand towel (this meant another trip down the hallway in her slippers). She got the towel and by now she said her slipper was soaked with blood! For some reason there were a couple more trips up and down the hallway and one of them was to get a phone to call my mom. My aunt luckily showed up and mom rushed over. Mom said there were actual puddles of blood in the hallway! She said it looked like someone had been murdered. They took Granny to the emergency room and they fixed her right up. She managed to just hit a big blood vessel.Meanwhile, my cousin Jenny was supposed to meet Granny at her house. Jenny showed up and got no response to ringing the door bell.
 Apparently on the way out, nobody shut the front door all the way. Luckily Jenny just left and didn't try to go in. What would you think if you went into your Grandmother's open door to find no Granny and pools of blood through the hall? It could have been a disaster. Eventually Jenny did meet up with them when they got back and came up with the best solution for getting the blood out of the cream colored carpets. Peroxide! They bought tons of the big bottles and managed to get it out! You couldn't even tell! I use peroxide for any blood stains and it does wonders.Granny had an old dog Jigs, a toy poodle,  that she just put down. She wants to get new carpets installed now. I laughed and told her that she had better warn the carpet people because there's no way the peroxide could have gotten the blood out of the carpet pads and the floor is probably stained too! I could just see the carpet installers pull back the carpet to find blood stain trails and wonder how my grandpa really died! Granny thought it was pretty funny but was glad I thought of it. I'd be tempted to not say anything and just see the looks on their faces!07 febbraio Grandpa's JoyI know, I know; just from the title you figured this blog was about me! Well, you are absolutely wrong. Grandpa's joy
 just happens to be his fart machine. My dad bought this for him and made the mistake of giving it to him at a family reunion. When my grandpa opened the package and saw the fart machine inside, he laughed himself to tears! He and my dad when into 'mischievous 5 year old boy' mode and put the machine under some chairs. Two of my great aunts sat down and just the thought of what he was about to do, caused my grandpa to crack up. He starts pushing the buttons and the fart noises just send him into wheezing laughter. The great aunts don't know what to pay attention to, my grandpa (who now has tears streaming down his face), or the fart noises. Grandpa took his joy home and hid it in the couch for unsuspecting guests. Everyone in the family knows about it because we love to watch grandpa die of laughter whenever we ask him about it. All you have to do is mention it and the tears pour out as he laughs. He can't talk about it anymore because he laughs too hard. My dad's cousin came to visit once and my grandpa was so excited to use his precious machine on him! Grandma put her foot down however, spoiling his fun just because dad's cousin is a priest! Next victims up, were my aunt and uncle visiting from Wisconsin. My aunt is extremely proper so grandpa was anxious. He went to his room to get the remote but couldn't stop laughing as soon as he thought about how she'd react. He went to the kitchen where my grandma was, tears rolling down, wheezing laughter, and flailing his arms, trying to communicate. Grandma didn't have a clue and after a while he pulled out the remote. Grandma directed him to the bathroom next to the living room because luckily, the remote can work through walls. Grandpa never even saw my aunt's reaction, but just knowing what he was doing brought him to uncontrollable laughter 3 weeks later when I asked him about it. Mark was with me and I told him to watch grandpa. All he needs to do is think about it and he's gone!  My archive pick this week:12 dicembre Riding Leaf Blower?If you've read my previous entries, you've come to see that my grandparents are highly entertaining. My grandpa is easily the quirkiest of the 3 grandparents that I have left (my other grandpa died when I was 6). He can't get his words strait and either makes up a new word or just replaces it with one that doesn't even come close to matching.
Example: He and grandma went over to some friend's house for dinner. When they got there, they knocked on the door. Nobody answered so they knocked again; still no answer. Finally after a while, the people answered the door and grandpa stated, "Man, I was getting worried. Thought I was going to have to burst in and perform artificial insemination!" Poor grandma wanted to die! Respiration, Insemination...what's the difference!?!
 Grandpa also does some things that are poorly thought out, and luckily they end up to pretty funny.
Example: They have a large gravel parking area next to the house and it gets a lot of leaves in the fall. Grandpa has a leaf blower but you have to stand and walk around with it...too much work! So he gets the brilliant idea to use his riding lawn mower.  Then he can just sit back and rid those leaves with ease! Not too bad of an idea until grandma came screaming out of the house because he managed to break the bathroom and bedroom windows with the gravel that also inhabits the parking area! Then grandma noticed that he also broke out a back window of their car! He was in soo much trouble that you would think he'd have learned his lesson...oh no. Next year he did it again, and broke out the same windows! I think grandma might have taken the lawn mower away from him...we can only hope!21 novembre Visiting My Grandparents Last night Mark and I rented a movie and took it up to my house so we could go in the hot tub afterwards. When we got home, I saw a bag of chocolate that I had promised to give my grandpa like weeks ago. Since my grandparents live only two houses away, Mark and I walked over to deliver it. Interesting side note: this bag of chocolate was called 'buckshot' and besides being very
 very good, I got it for my grandpa because of the name. He is incapable of remembering names! If he meets you for the first time and you tell him your name, he will usually say it back to you wrong, never remember it, and just call you buckshot. Sometimes he'll call you something different, like my old elementary school friends Letha and Carrie, who were forever know as Charlie and George. He even gets the family screwed up. Frequently he has called MY phone to talk to ME and then rambled through the list of girl cousin's names before he runs across mine(which can take a while considering that I'm the youngest!). Anyway, with that said, we were off to deliver the buckshot. We were walking up to the house and I noticed grandpa didn't have a shirt on(which he actually does a lot). Normally this is no big deal, I'm used to it; but Mark has only met my grandparents very briefly twice. I warned Mark and he offered to wait outside while I 'quickly' dropped it off; but then I explained that with my grandparents there was never a 'quick' visit. So we knocked on the door, grandpa opened it, realized his 'state' in front of Mark, then said he needed to go dress himself. I laughed and told him to go put his bra on which grandma laughed in agreement. Grandpa piped up with, "can I use yours?" One he got dressed we chatted a bit and grandma talked about how they wanted to go see the new Johnny Cash movie. She went on to tell me about his life, music, and that he spent time in prison. At this grandpa threw in "Yeah, we did time together!" My grandpa has never done time so I baited him with "What were you in for?" His reply "Oh, about 10 years." Grandma said that he should have been thrown in prison for 'robbing the cradle' considering that when they married she was 16 and he was 22! Grandpa looked at me, smiled and said, "I got life for that!"  Mark and I talked a little bit more; then left to watch our movie. I love my grandparents dearly...but I'm afraid of their genes that I've inherited!10 novembre My Grandmothers and Their 'Views'I have the most amazing grandparents in the world...ok, so they are more like strange and funny! Both of my dad's parents are alive (Grandma and Grandpa who have been married for 58 years!) but only my mom's mother is still alive (Granny). My mom's dad died when I was 5. Granny is very lighthearted all the time; nothing can get her down. She has had cancer 4 times now (she just had some removed last month) and she is as cherry as ever! Grandma is steadfast and opinionated; a very Godly woman. I can only hope to be like them both. With that said, there are some instances that ran across my mind this morning, causing me to smile.
My mom's co-worker is also a seller of these fancy home spa type products and they have parties like Mary Kay. We had one at our house and some of my aunts, mom's friends, cousins, Grandma, and Granny came. To demonstrate her products, the lady was going to have us do a foot soak. She got plastic tubs out and my mom filled them with hot water. Grandma decided that she didn't want to do this and was being very stubborn about it. I was telling her it would be nice and relaxing so she should do it. She said something about how she didn't want to do it because Seventh Day Adventists do things like this! I laughed and said that Jesus washed his disciples feet so there wasn't anything wrong with it. She informed me that there wasn't anything wrong with THOSE people(meaning the Seventh Day Adventists), she just thought it was strange. I didn't mention that I had thought about having a foot washing ceremony when I get married! We did get her to do it and she had fun. My story about Granny requires a little background info. I am currently 'church shopping'. I am a church hobo and have been going to different churches every Sunday until I find the right one. Granny came over this last weekend and was asking me how church hunting was going. I told her I was still looking but ran across an 'interesting' one. My friend Sarah came up from college and wanted to visit a specific church. So Sarah, Mark (the one who writes stories for me), their mom, and I went to this church. Now Sarah and her mom didn't think to much of it, but Mark and I were slightly disturbed by the pastor. To me he seemed like evil Santa, very smiley, friendly, but looked like he would axe you...Mark thought he was going to pull a machine gun out and blow us all to bits! I was telling Granny all this and mentioned that Mark and I thought if we didn't know he was a pastor, we would have thought him to be gay. Granny piped up with, "Maybe he should be a priest!". Both my mom's and my jaw hit the floor before we started laughing. We couldn't believe she said that...although she is the one who got me the handcuffs for Valentine's Day! http://spaces.msn.com/members/paddedcellconfessions/Blog/cns!1py0zGVIYXDaw5LUoenOwzBQ!204.entry*note to reader: No Seventh Day Adventists or Catholics were meant to be harmed in the writing of this story. 20 ottobre My Sweet Innocent GrannyMy granny is one of the sweetest women I will ever know. I was lucky enough to get to live with her for about 6 months last year and she would buy me little surprises every now and then. On Valentines day, I came home to find a red velvet bag with heart socks and red 'love cuffs'.
I of course was slightly shocked at the fact my granny bought me handcuffs but then I had to remember she isn't so up on the ways of people today. When I thanked her for the gifts she said, "I just had to get you those handcuffs. I thought they were so cute and thought maybe you could use them on your youth group kids!" (at the time I was teaching middle/high school youth group and Sunday school). All I could do was laugh and think in my head, "Oh sure, I'm sure Marykay Laternou used them on her kids too!"  Well, I am proud of my granny and I'm proud of her naiveness, so I proudly hung the handcuffs from my rearview mirror. They are there to this day and have only been taken off once because my mom took my car to church one morning and was too embarrassed to been seen with them!   Update Note: Unfortunately the Love Cuffs took on too much sun damage and died  . Maybe next year she'll get me a bull whip! hehehe |
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